My Jokes and Pics

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?”

“Ever go fishing?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.
“Um, yeah…” the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, “Did you ever catch all the fish?”

A lion held a huge party at his place. He invited only his fellow lions. The lions were dancing when a mouse also came a joined in.
The lion asked the mouse why he entered the party when the other species were not invited.
The mouse said “Before marriage I was a lion too”

An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking. “Sir,” she says in a shaky voice, “do you sell vibrators?” “Yes, ma’am.” “And are they this big around and this long?” she asks in a shaky voice. “Yes, ma’am.” “And they’re $22.95?” she asks in a shaky voice. “Yes, ma’am.” “How do you turn them off?”

20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.

19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.

18. He’s off to the sidelines for a quick blow.

17. It’s a game of inches.

16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.

15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.

14. He’s gonna feel that one tomorrow.

13. He found his tight end.

12. End around.

11. He had to stretch to get it in.

10. He gets penetration in the backfield.

9. He blows them off (at the line).

8. He bangs it in.

7. He could go all the way.

6. He gets it off just in time.

5. He goes deep.

4. He found a hole and slid through it.

3. He pounds it in.

2. He beats them off (the line)

1. He’s got great hands.

Question. What’s the difference between a young hooker and an old hooker?

Answer. The young hooker uses Vaseline and an old hooker uses Poligrip.

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person “How much are the washer and dryer?”

“Five dollars for both of them,” the salesman said.
“Yeah right, you’ve got to be kidding me!” the man replied sarcastically.
“No, that’s the price,” the salesman said, “Do you want to buy them or not?”
“Yeah, I’ll take them!” the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and sub woofers. “How much?” he asked.

“Five dollars for the system,” the salesman answered.
“Is it stolen?” the guy asks.
“No,” said the salesman, “It’s brand new, do you want it or not?”
“Sure,” the customer replied. He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. “How much?”
“Five dollars,” was the familiar response.
“I’ll take that too!” the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
“Why are your prices so cheap?”

The salesman said, “Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he’s doing to her, I’m doing to his business!”

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.

The man asks, “Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?”

The nurse explains, “The hot chocolate will help him sleep.”

The man says, “And the Viagra?”

“Keeps him from falling out of bed.”

Question. Whats another name for a push-up bra?

Answer. False advertisement.

A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says “Piano Player Wanted,” so he goes in to apply. The bartender, who is desperate for a player, asks the man to play him something. The man sits down and plays some of the most beautiful music the bartender’s ever heard.

“That was amazing” exclaims the bartender. “What was that called?”

“That was something I like to call ‘A Weasel Ate My Genitals.’”

“Oh. You know anything else?”

The guy plays another amazingly gorgeous piece. Impressed, the bartender applauds and asks what that one was called.

“It’s called ‘Crap In My Mouth, I Love It.’”

“Okay,” says the bartender. “You can have the job. Just as long as you don’t tell anyone the names of the songs.”

So the guy begins working nights at the bar, playing to full houses every night, and, true to his word, never revealing the titles of the songs. One night, though, he takes a break to go to the bathroom and forgets to zip up his pants afterwards and his schlong is hanging out. A patron notices and approaches him.

“Do you know your pants are unzipped and your thing is hanging out?”

“Know it, pal?” says the piano player. “I wrote it!”

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.

His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, “Some things you just can’t explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.

I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.

As soon as I finished milkin” him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.

As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can’t explain!