My Jokes and Pics

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit….
Man: “Hi! Am I ever happy to see you.”
Girl: “Hi! It seems like you’ve been here a long time. How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
Man: “It’s been ten years!” With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: “Oh thank you so much!”
Girl: “So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?”
Man: “It’s been ten years” The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: “Oh… thank you so much. You are like a miracle!”
Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] “So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?”
Man: “Oh, my God, don’t tell me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there too?!”

Asian women have always been exotic. Two guys were arguing about the correct orientation of Japanese women’s sex organs. One said that Japanese women have their going from side to side, while the other said it goes vertical, just like everybody else.

The argument went on for hours until they decided to settle it once and for all by going to another friend who has a Japanese wife. Surely, he should know! After being told of the subject of the argument, the friend quickly said: “Vertical, just like everybody else”, and I’ll prove it! Although suspecting that the duo would just feast their eyes on his wife’s pussy, he called his wife anyway and she appeared from the second floor bedroom. “

Honey, take off your panties and slide down the banister” Like a good obedient wife, she obliged and mounted the banister. On the way down there was a long screeeeeech, and she landed on the floor. See? Didn’t I tell you guys that its vertical, just like everybody else? The two scratched their heads in wonder. What does that prove, one asks? “If it were horizontal, the sound would have been, …..blub…blub….blub…blub

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk to the bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs.
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check for pecs again.
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don’t bother to look for a washcloth. (you don’t use one.)
8. Wash your face.
9. Wash your armpits.
10. Wash your penis and surrounding area.
11. Wash your ass.
12. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner).
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
15. Pee
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
17. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her.

Smoking
Drinking
Sucking
Licking
Fucking

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?”

“Ever go fishing?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.
“Um, yeah…” the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, “Did you ever catch all the fish?”

A lion held a huge party at his place. He invited only his fellow lions. The lions were dancing when a mouse also came a joined in.
The lion asked the mouse why he entered the party when the other species were not invited.
The mouse said “Before marriage I was a lion too”

An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking. “Sir,” she says in a shaky voice, “do you sell vibrators?” “Yes, ma’am.” “And are they this big around and this long?” she asks in a shaky voice. “Yes, ma’am.” “And they’re $22.95?” she asks in a shaky voice. “Yes, ma’am.” “How do you turn them off?”

20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.

19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.

18. He’s off to the sidelines for a quick blow.

17. It’s a game of inches.

16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.

15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.

14. He’s gonna feel that one tomorrow.

13. He found his tight end.

12. End around.

11. He had to stretch to get it in.

10. He gets penetration in the backfield.

9. He blows them off (at the line).

8. He bangs it in.

7. He could go all the way.

6. He gets it off just in time.

5. He goes deep.

4. He found a hole and slid through it.

3. He pounds it in.

2. He beats them off (the line)

1. He’s got great hands.

Question. What’s the difference between a young hooker and an old hooker?

Answer. The young hooker uses Vaseline and an old hooker uses Poligrip.