My Jokes and Pics

A Spanish Naval captain was walking leisurely on his battleship when a subordinate rushes over to him and says “Sir, an enemy battleship is fast approaching us. We should be ready.” The captain replies coolly “Go. Get my Red shirt.” The subordinate rushes over and gets the Shirt for his captain. The captain wears the red shirt. After some time, the enemy battleship comes in range. Consequently heavy rounds of fire are exchanged between the two battleships. After much effort, the Spanish win. The subordinate approaches his boss, “Congratulations for the victory sir, but why did you require the red shirt in the first place?”
The captain replies “Because, during the war if I got injured then my blood should not have been seen as I did not want my men to lose hope and to Fight with the same ferocity.”
Just then another subordinate rushes over. “Sir, we just spotted another 20 enemy battleships heading in our direction.”
The captain replies coolly “Go. Get my yellow trousers.”

Sam is a servant boy who every day drinks the wine of his Boss puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank. But the Boss having suspicions as for the quality of the wine, decides to buy pastis (a French wine that changes color if you add water). Sam as usual, takes a mouthful and add water to replace what he drank.

However, soon after he added water the pastis became milky. When the Boss came backed and noticed it, he was sure he had managed to nail Sam as thief!!! At that same moment Sam realized he was in trouble and decided to go into the kitchen. The Boss told his wife that “Cherished, you will see, he will be obliged to acknowledge “. He shouted: “Sam!”. Sam answered: “Yes, Boss”. “Who drank my pastis?” No answer. The Boss reiterated his question: still no answer. Then the Boss went to find Sam in the kitchen and says to him: “You insane or what? Why when I call you you say “yes boss” but when I ask you a question you don’t answer me? “Sam reported that “It is that boss, when you are in the kitchen there, you don’t understand anything at all, except the name ”

Then to prove that Sam lies, the Boss says to him: “You stay beside Madam, me I go in the kitchen, and you ask me a question “. Sam accepted. The Boss went in the kitchen and Sam shouted: “Boss”. He answered: “Yes, Sam”. Sam continued: “Who goes at the maid bedroom when the Madam is not there?” No answer. Sam shouted again: “Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?” No answer. Third time: “Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?” The Boss returns from the kitchen running and says “Sam: It is true, you are right, when one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, only the name”.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

The following questions were set in last year’s GCSE examination in England.

These are genuine answers from 16 year olds, not very bright, but entertaining, 16 year olds.

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
.
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Source: http://speedywap.com

Chris goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and his friend’s wife answers.

“Hi, is Tony home?”

“No, he went to the store.”

“Well, do you mind if I wait?”

“Not at all, come on in.”

They sit down and the friend says, “You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’ll give you a hundred bucks if I can just see one.”

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures ‘what the hell—a hundred bucks.’

She opens her robe and displays her left breast. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says, “They are so beautiful, I’ve just got to see both of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I can just see both of them together.”

Nora thinks about this and thinks, ‘What the hell,’ opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can’t wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says “You know, your weird friend Chris came over.”

Tony thinks about this for a second and says “Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I’d like to have some pleasure too !

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share !

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I’m having a headache this weekend !

HE: Go on, don’t be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can’t talk and laugh at the same time!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don’t you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I’ve already seen it!

HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck !

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down .

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I’m a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what’s your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

I was watching some of the funny shit on the internet and I came across this… check it out… keep smiling life is short….

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want.”

The first nun says, “I want-a to be Sophia Loren” and poof! she’s gone.

The second says, “I want-a to be Madonna” and poof! she’s gone.

The third says, “I want-a to be Sara Pipalini.”

St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?”

“Sara Pipalini” replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says “I’m sorry but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.”

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, “No Sister, this says Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days!”

I was reading this article on 1943 guide for hiring woman and I though its was funny as shit and I had to post the link to the site here. Click Here to read the article