My Jokes and Pics

Dear Math,

Please leave me alone. I Do not want to solve your problems, I already have my own.

Thanks.

A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist’s office.

The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it.

When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.” He then charged them $32.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year-olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave.

Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

The old man said, “Oh, we’re not trying to find out anything.

She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married, so we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicaid.

A woman finds herself outside the heaven gates, where she is greeted by the guard.

“Am I where I think I am?” she exclaims. “It’s so beautiful! Did I really make it to heaven?”

To which guard replies, “Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one thing before you can enter.”

Very excited, the woman asks what she must do to pass through the gates.

“Spell a word,” guard replies.

“What is it?” she asks.

“Any word at all,” answers guard. “It’s your choice!”

The woman promptly replies, “The word I will spell is India. I-n-d-i-a.”

The guard congratulates her on her good fortune in making it into Heaven, and asks her if she will take his place at the gates for a moment while he goes to the bathroom.

“I’d be honoured,” she says, “but what should I do if someone comes while you’re gone?”

The guard instructs her to require any newcomers to spell a word, just as she had done. So the woman takes the guard’s chair and watches the beautiful angels soaring around her. Suddenly, lo and behold, a man approaches the gates, and it is none other than her husband!

“What happened?” she cries. “Why are you here?”

Her husband explains, “I was so upset when I left your funeral that I got into a fatal car accident. So here I am, ready to join you in Heaven.”

“Well not just yet,” the woman replies. “First you have to spell a word.”

“What’s the word?” he asks.

“Czechoslovakia.”

One Friday, two women were sitting and talking. One woman looked up and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand.

She rolled her eyes and said, “There comes the asshole with flowers in his hand. Now he’ll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”

Her friend promptly replied, “Don’t you have a vase?”

1) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,
and go back for more.

3) When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them
on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
know what floor you’re on!

5) Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for a friend. After
a while, let the doors close, and say, Hi Greg. How’s your day
been?”

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then
scream,that’s mine!”

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on,
ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to
play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask
them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, Did you feel that?”

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, It’s okay,
don’t panic, they open again!”

15) Swat at flies that don’t exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, Group Hug!and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering, Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside, ask got enough air in there?”

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in
horror your one of THEM!” and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then
announces, I have new socks on!

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit….
Man: “Hi! Am I ever happy to see you.”
Girl: “Hi! It seems like you’ve been here a long time. How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
Man: “It’s been ten years!” With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: “Oh thank you so much!”
Girl: “So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?”
Man: “It’s been ten years” The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: “Oh… thank you so much. You are like a miracle!”
Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] “So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?”
Man: “Oh, my God, don’t tell me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there too?!”

Asian women have always been exotic. Two guys were arguing about the correct orientation of Japanese women’s sex organs. One said that Japanese women have their going from side to side, while the other said it goes vertical, just like everybody else.

The argument went on for hours until they decided to settle it once and for all by going to another friend who has a Japanese wife. Surely, he should know! After being told of the subject of the argument, the friend quickly said: “Vertical, just like everybody else”, and I’ll prove it! Although suspecting that the duo would just feast their eyes on his wife’s pussy, he called his wife anyway and she appeared from the second floor bedroom. “

Honey, take off your panties and slide down the banister” Like a good obedient wife, she obliged and mounted the banister. On the way down there was a long screeeeeech, and she landed on the floor. See? Didn’t I tell you guys that its vertical, just like everybody else? The two scratched their heads in wonder. What does that prove, one asks? “If it were horizontal, the sound would have been, …..blub…blub….blub…blub

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk to the bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs.
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check for pecs again.
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don’t bother to look for a washcloth. (you don’t use one.)
8. Wash your face.
9. Wash your armpits.
10. Wash your penis and surrounding area.
11. Wash your ass.
12. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner).
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
15. Pee
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
17. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her.

Smoking
Drinking
Sucking
Licking
Fucking