Secret Service
A Friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "you need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the lord, pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Problem solved
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls 9-1-1. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator replies "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?”
Still Counting
The morning after an all-night honeymoon expert virtuoso performance in bed, the somewhat amazed but blissfully happy newlywed wife snuggles up to her new hubby and says, “Darling, you are just wonderful. Last night was simply amazing. May I ask how many others were there before me?”
After a few moments of silence, the wife becomes a little testy and says, “Come on, I know there must have been some – I’m waiting.”
And “Captain Experience” takes a deep breath and says, “Hang on sweetheart, I’m still counting.”